Even the Perfect Parent had problem children

For the struggling parent of a prodigal child

We live in a world that is very dangerous for children. There are growing movements for children to express their sexuality and their other predilections at a very early age. What some consider to be essential in development, others like myself, see it as predatory abuse and grooming. As much as I would like to speak positively on the resistance to the subject, the world decays. Everything around us in the Fall of 2022 seems to be moving more toward chaos. And our children continue to be the target of this depravity. We’ve yet to see the long term effects from these growing social contagions.

But there is good in this world also, and some good people. You want your kids to look at life with excitement and vigor but you want them to also be in touch with reality as well. If you are like my wife and I, we wanted our children to hold on to their childhood and their innocence as long as they can. That doesn't mean to be separated from reality but rather to let them hold on to childlike pleasures and play, and when appropriate, their understanding of the world around them. But eventually, children grow up and ultimately start making mistakes.

If you are like me, you probably struggle with how much you give your kids. Said another way, you try to balance between loving them by catering to their wants and spoiling them rotten by making them ungrateful brats. As the saying goes, every parent wants to give their children what they didn’t have. Unfortunately, finding that balance will be a case-by-case basis.

From my observation, there have been several constants in parenting and child development. I’ve seen a few generations of people move from childhood and adulthood. I have never seen children whose parents didn’t spank them end well. I can honestly attest to the biblical saying, spare the rod – spoil the child.  Those who used other forms of punishment like taking toys away or time-outs (or any non-corporal punishment) seemed to consistently reproduce the same results; high school dropouts, substance abuse, turbulent relationships, work or career instability, a lack of discipline and endurance, and ultimately an inability to finish or stick with anything in life.

I am sure there are exceptions but in general through my experience its not the rule. There are also examples of well-balanced parents that do things by the book with a proper balance of discipline and nurturing love that still have problem or prodigal children. It is to be expected. If you are struggling with a prodigal child or a problem child, I would like to for you to consider something; even the perfect parent had problem children.

Most people would agree God is perfect. If we take into account the story in Genesis 3 we get a look at the first family. Without diving into the metaphorical nature and the deeper lessons of the Creation story, let’s just approach this as the story unfolds. God creates man and puts His creation in a perfect place. Adam and Eve literally have everything they need. They have a safe environment, food and a purpose found in work (chores if you will). God gave Adam work to do in Genesis 2:15 and established boundaries for his safety and wellbeing (Genesis 2:16-17). All the elements for creating a well balanced and healthy offspring were in place. Every need was met physically, spiritually and emotionally. By example, God provided everything His children needed like a good parent. And yet, even with the perfect parent in the perfect environment, they fell.

Thousands of years later we’re still discussing this entire story of why they fell. Though I have some formal child psychology and development education from my college career plus my own theological studies, it’s safe to say without all that – that’s just what kids do. Kids are always exploring boundaries and testing their limits. Call it human nature if you will. If your kids are like mine and from what I have observed of kids in general, they are nosey, or said nicer, inquisitive. On top of that, they are selfish too most of the time not unlike like their parents. Our children fall from the behaviors they observe around them, influences in their environment or some genetic dispositions we pass to our offspring.

But Adam and Eve were created perfect by a perfect Creator. They fell not because of any negative traits that the Father could’ve passed along to them, but from their desire to be more like Him, even though it could be said there was some influence on behalf of Satan. This fact is God knew the minute he put Adam in the garden and gave his warning, He knew Adam was going to break the one rule He gave. We’re not raising our children in perfect environments, nor are we perfect parents.

What hope do we have? I think there are a few components to parenting to create stable children that doesn’t require a psychology degree to put them on a good track for the future. Now this is not an all-encompassing list nor is it a guarantee for success, but it should be simple enough to remember on a day-to-day basis.

Be consistent. Be consistent in your communication and or messaging, your expectations, your punishments, your interactions with the child or children, and your boundaries. In all areas of life try to be consistent. Consistency and routine seem to go together. I have never seen free-range parenting end well. Establish a consistent dinner time, bedtime, study times, play times, bath times and weekend activities. Leave room for the unexpected and for flexibility and or spontaneous things. You don’t want their world to crash because snack time got bumped a half an hour. But consistency in communicating and in routine will calm the mind of a child because there will be no questioning in their mind what comes next day to day. If you don’t have consistency and routine in your life, slowly and incrementally try to implement it because going to the other extreme too quickly may cause more damage.

Let pain be a teacher. Bruce Lee is quoted as saying “pain will leave you once it has finished teaching you.” It’s against our thinking because its human nature to avoid pain, and contrary to our instincts as a parent to protect our children from it. But pain and adversity are the building blocks of strong and healthy personalities. A muscle can’t grow unless it has resistance to push against. The same applies to personalities. It’s my opinion that we’re now seeing the effects of the “participation trophy generation” emerging. I think the new social slang is a “snowflake.” It was a cruel joke played on them by well intentioned parents to avoid the pain of losing or not feeling positive about themselves. Now we have an entire generation with no concept of the real world and the meritocracy of life. Not everyone gets to be number one. Your child might just earn that trophy themselves if they really want to work to be the best. Love your kids enough to allow them to experience pain and adversity.

Here is a great scene from Star Trek V that I always think about when it comes to dealing with pain and adversity. Pay particular attention to Captain Kirk’s response at the end.

Monitor what they consume. Between the television, smart phones and the internet, children are consuming more information and messages through so many different forms of media. Many kids struggle with differentiating between fantasy and reality. I am shocked more every year about what other parents allow their kids to watch. I am sure there are some kids can look at the screen and realize that what they’re seeking is all fake. Even what is sometimes pictured as everyday family life is exaggerated for entertainment purposes. But there are some can’t separate what is fictional behavior and expectations from the real-world. Children who consume pornography may learn to believe that is what sexual intercourse is supposed to look like. It’s a frightening range of possibilities. You need to be the gatekeeper. Children are a blank slate. Be careful who or what you let imprint upon them. Watch for snakes in your garden.

Lovingly help them discern reality from fantasy. Unless you can fly and are indestructible, you can’t be Superman or Supergirl. Unless you have a tail and fur, you aren’t a dog or a cat. Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina, and no matter what you do to yourself you can’t change your chromosomes. Not yet at least. Just because you think you are billionaire Bruce Wayne that doesn’t mean your bank and or your credit card company feels obligated to play along with your lifestyle. A veterinarian will tell you to go to a real people doctor if you get sick. And the criminal firing a gun at you won’t bother to check if the bullets are lead or kryptonite. This forced participation in people’s illusions will be the end of our society and your child’s reality when they learn that most people won’t go along with it.

Give your kids chores appropriate to their capabilities. The first thing God did with Adam was to give him a job. Our lives are defined by what we do. Its where we find our meaning and purpose in life. Contributing to the family in a positive way defines our roles as family members. Its builds, strengthens and connects those family bonds. Another growing social issue is the breakdown of the family unit. Even in split, mixed and or broken homes, you still are a family. A family is a unit, and all its parts are needed to function.  Kids are never too old to learn responsibility and contribute to the home. They will find value and an appreciation for family through chores.

Give your kids a life of faith. Kids need something to believe in. Forget that – people need something to believe in. Questions of life and death, pain and suffering, and the meaning of life need to be addressed in a coherent framework for a healthy worldview. To have no ontic referent for the basics of life creates a person without hope and or meaning. If all we are is a random collection of amino acids that just happened form caused by happenstance from the mixture of stardust and gravity, there really is no point in living other than to procreate and dominate as a species so our DNA survives eternity. Even in a universe of chaos, there is a natural order and balance that abhors a vacuum derived from something beyond our finite understanding. It is healthy to believe in something greater than yourself. Evidence points to a greater intelligence behind the physics of the universe. Even if you don’t believe in God at least teach your children the Golden Rule; do unto others as you would have them do unto you under similar circumstances. That basic belief of morality would change the world dramatically if people actually did it.

Proverbs 22:6 ESV Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Our goal as a parents should be helping our children prepare for the world that is, not the world that should be. We should want to teach our children to try to make the world a better place, but that will not always be the case for others. I have no doubts there are other things that could be added to this list above from people far more qualified and experienced than me. I have no doubts that those same people could pick my list apart, but as I said, it’s from observation. I could be wrong about all of this, but its just my perspective from the bottom end.